Neon Genesis Evangelion Cashew
by A-kun
Summary: If you were wondering what else we could come up with, how about this? Misato and Ritsuko decide the cast needs more women, but they can't replace the current cast. Hmmmmmm...


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New Cashew Evangelion  
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Deep in the Central Dogma, Gendo was staring at the left wall of his office. This was not important to the future of mankind. Not in the least. However, Gendo felt this was what he should be doing. The reason was because the door to his office wasn't as interesting ever since someone tore down his Pretty Sammy poster. His left wall, however, had a poster of Sailor Moon. This was indeed interesting. However, he could not look as cool as he normally would. So, he put his laptop computer on the left side of his desk and left it open so he could stare at the poster without LOOKING like he was staring at the poster.  
This, Gendo felt, was very important. It made him look busy. This added to the respect his co-workers had for him. After all, if he looked like he was always busy, then his co-workers would think he was working just as hard as they were.  
Kozo Fuyutsuki, however, knew better than to respect him because he knew what Gendo did for hours on end. But, he didn't say anything for the simple fact that Gendo had a gun in his desk that had a clip labeled "Fuyutsuki" that held over thirty bullets.  
Suddenly, Gendo heard an odd noise. He and Fuyutsuki looked around. After about ten minutes, Fuyutsuki figured out that it was the door. After about six more minutes, Gendo found the button to open the door automatically.  
Two women stepped into the room. One was a blonde-haired scientist that was rumored to be sleeping with Gendo. Something both found hilarious as they would never have sex in the same building, let alone with each other. The second had dark-hair and was a Major, rather than a scientist. She wasn't involved with anyone at the moment, but that didn't mean she needed anyone in any case.  
Gendo and Fuyutsuki watched the two women, who had determined looks on their faces, as they approached. As soon as they reached Gendo's desk, Misato Katsuragi, the dark-haired major, closed Gendo's laptop without noticing that it wasn't even on. Ritsuko Akagi, the blonde-scientist if you hadn't figured that out, glared at Gendo.  
"Commander Ikari. Major Katsuragi and I have come to the conclusion that this series does not have enough females." Ritsuko declared.  
Gendo rolled his eyes. If she only knew that the entire SEELE council was female... they weren't attractive in the least, but they were female.  
"So, we are going to have to take drastic measures to make this series more of a feministic movement." Misato declared.  
"What are you talking about? There are not very many situations that would be affected by a transition of genders." Gendo told them.  
"Besides, do you want another fanfic like 'The Fate of the Children' to pop up? Maybe Lisa Foster could pop in for a few YEARS." Fuyutsuki snapped, remembering the pathetically written piece of dung. It still hurt. Even to this day. Sure, Fuyutsuki had been, as always, ignored for the most part, but just knowing that such a fanfic existed was painful enough that the Sub-Commander had to wipe a tear from the edge of the eye. He mentally congratulated himself for showing his fourth emotion after surprise, boredom and anger.  
Ritsuko and Misato glanced at each other, wondering what the hell the Sub-Commander was referring to when they decided to continue the fanfic instead of debating.  
"That may be, but we are going to change the following men into females: Kozo Fuyutsuki, Shinji Ikari, Touji Suzuhara, Kensuke Aida, Gendo Ikari, Makoto Hyuuga, Shigeru Aoba." Ritsuko said, reading their list.  
"That would be all of the major male cast! Besides, how do you intend to change our genders? We all have contracts, so we can't be replaced..." Fuyutsuki demanded.  
"Well, you see, after that crossover fanfic by One-Shoot Wing or whatever his name was, we got something from that Ranma Saotome fellow..." Misato said, grinning as she lifted a bucket. Ritsuko grinned and lifted a bucket too.  
Both men realized what was in the bucket. Gendo rolled backwards in his chair frantically. Fuyutski jumped back and tried to figure out where he could run. Both were too late. *SPLOOSH* A now blonde-haired and female Gendo-chan adjusted her glasses and glared at the grinning Major and scientist. Fuyutsuki-chan just fainted, her still grey hair now long enough to make it a dramatic scene. With that, Misato and Ritsuko burst into giggles and ran out of the room.  
"I knew I should've enforced that vacation policy." Gendo-chan growled, opening her laptop and turning it on for the first time in three weeks. She began typing up the new vacation policy, ignoring the two long ponytails she now sported as well as the meatball-shaped buns. It wouldn't be until she looked in a mirror that realized she looked exactly like Usagi Tsukino (aka. Sailor Moon).  
  
Makoto Hyuuga and Shigeru Aoba put up a good fight. They managed to get a warning from Gendo and just barely dodged the water balloons. After a four hour chase, Makoto got tagged with an entire bucket of Jusenkyo water to the face. Of course, she wasn't pleased with her new ankle-long black hair as the whole reason she kept her hair short was to save money on shampoo. At least she looked really good in her now-tight uniform.  
Shigeru fell into a complex trap waiting for him to get hungry and go to the vending machines. They caught him while he was waiting for a Snickers bar. Ironically, she didn't look very different except for her larger chest and more shapely body. Her face was virtually the same.  
  
Shinji Ikari, Touji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida were completely caught off-guard as Ritsuko and Misato hit them with Jusenkyo-water-balloons. The now red-haired Shinji-chan found herself staring at her chest and fainting. Kensuke-chan, now resembling a fourteen year-old Sasami from Tenchi Muyo!, took it in stride. After that fanfic by Andrew Hoong or whatever, he was pretty much ready for odd occurances. Touji-chan scratched her brown hair and adjusted her ponytail before realizing she didn't normally HAVE a ponytail. She looked down.  
"COOL! Hey, does this mean Hikari and I get a lesbo scene?!" Touji-chan asked.  
Kensuke-chan fainted with blood spurting from her nose. Misato and Ritsuko were long gone.  
  
Asuka Sorhyu Langely was furious. First of all, Misato and Ritsuko had pelted the Baka Trio with water balloons and didn't even invite her. Secondly, the object of her secret affections, Shinji Ikari, was now female, forcing Asuka to wonder if she should get some hot water before trying to make out with Shinji or try it as is. Thirdly, Shinji-chan looked sexier than she did, bringing up some really weird questions.  
Rei Ayanami was also furious, which startled everyone. The fact that Misato and Ritsuko had done something so cruel to Shinji-chan... er, Ikari-kun, was almost unforgiveable.  
"langely."  
Asuka stopped in her tracks and spun around, wondering where the voice had come from before noticing Rei was RIGHT IN HER FACE. Well, not IN her face, by literal terms, but their noses were less than a quarter of an inch apart. To disappoint all the perverts on the FFML, Rei did NOT decide to kiss Asuka, nor vice versa. Instead, Asuka nearly had a heart attack and jumped backwards, landing on her desk in a case of sheer coincidence.  
"What-what is it, Wondergirl? And don't _do_ that!" Asuka snapped.  
"do what?" Rei inquired.  
Asuka gesticulated wildly (no, not MASTURBATED wildly, this isn't a sour fruit of any sort) while stating, "That! That.... thing. Just appearing and talking quietly stuff."  
"oh. very well." Rei responded, before increasing her volume from mildly audible whisper to INCREDIBLY FREAKING LOUD.  
"_IS_ _THIS_ _BETTER_?!" Rei inquired at the top of her lungs.  
"A normal tone like mine, please." Asuka said, rattled that Rei could speak at a higher tone than what was deemed as a "private conversational tone".  
"Ah. So you mean like this." Rei responded.  
"Yeah, now what is it?" Asuka inquired.  
"May I speak with you on the roof?" Rei requested.  
"Fine." Asuka said, following Rei to the roof of the school in a scene transition that was so short, it didn't even need a separate line.  
"Now, what is this thing you wanted to talk with me about?" Asuka inquired.  
"I wish to..." Rei began before pausing, turning her head in a kawaii confused fashion before returning to her usual position and continued with, "unleash a Can of Grade A Ozark Whoop-ass on Major Katsuragi and Doctor Akagi." Rei responded.  
"Where did you hear 'Ozark Whoop-ass'?" Asuka inquired.  
"Will you continue to listen to what I have to say without interupting me again if I answer this question?" Rei asked.  
"Sure, sure." Asuka told her.  
"Commander Ikari has a tendency to say it when he is playing his Hello Kitty Puzzle Game on his Sony Playstation while wearing his wife's underwear in a fashion that is not... appropriate." Rei responded.  
Asuka realized she had just found out _waaaaaaaaaaaaaay_ too much about Gendo Ikari.  
"Okay, what's on your mind?" Asuka asked.  
"Metaphysically, what has happened to Ikari-kun. In a physical sense, if one is to say that the mind exists inside of the brain, the inner portion of my skull would be on my mind." Rei told Asuka.  
"Um, okay, let's take the metaphysical angle. Why does that bother you? I thought you liked Shinji no matter what." Asuka inquired.  
"I find no problem with Ikari-kun in the physical sense. However, Major Katsuragi and Doctor Akagi have gone too far and have hurt Ikari-kun in a manner that displeases me greatly." Rei informed Asuka.  
"So....... basically, you want revenge." Asuka said.  
"Yes."  
Asuka grinned. One of the great things about wild stories like this was that you could get revenge in the most unusual ways.  
"Wondergirl, I've got the PERFECT way to get revenge on those two, and it'll be kind of ironic." Asuka said, her grin turning evil.  
"Mweh. Heh. Heh." Rei laughed.  
"No, no. Like this. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Asuka said, taking up a stance reminscient of one Tatewaki Kuno and laughing.  
"BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Rei imitated Asuka, boggling the minds of the readers.  
  
Misato and Ritsuko were relaxing in the lounge of a good bar when Ryoji Kaji, persistant ex-boyfriend of Misato's and sleazy male gigolo, entered.  
"Hey, Misato..." Kaji managed to say as he swaggled over to her.  
"I _knew_ there was someone we missed." Misato growled.  
Ritsuko nodded in agreement. The door was abruptly kicked open.  
"NOW!" Asuka cried.  
Suddenly before anyone in the bar could say so much as "URP!", the room was literally flooded with water. When the water left, Misato looked down.  
"Hey, Ritsu-chan, was I ever this pale before?" Misato asked.  
"Misato?" Ritsuko asked.  
Misato looked up to see that everyone in the room was either a clone of Rei Ayanami (which Misato and Ritsuko were), a clone of Asuka Sorhyu Langely (which Kaji was) or a clone of a miscellanious anime girl. This was a problem since most of the occupants in the bar were either male supermodels (thus why Misato always dragged them there) or were middle-aged men who were married with at least one child (thus why Ritsuko tried to dissuade Misato from going there). Everyone in the room turned to Asuka and Rei, who were standing in the doorway with Hikari, Shinji-chan, Touji-chan, Kensuke-chan, Gendo-chan, Fuyutsuki-chan, Makoto-chan, Shigeru-chan and Maya. All of them were carrying firehoses.  
"Maya?!" Ritsuko-Rei demanded.  
"Sorry, sempai, I had no choice! It was either this or star in another fanboy lemon between me and the entire male cast!" Maya cried, real tears at the edges of her eyes.  
"GENDO!!!" Ritsuko-Rei roared, standing up.  
"Uuuhhhh.... it wasn't me. It was... uh, orders directly from SEELE!" Gendo-chan responded, before hiding her smug smile rather well even though she didn't have her fingers steepled in front of her.  
"KILL SEELE!" the bar patrons roared in unison.  
  
Two months later...  
"You see, Fuyutsuki, I told you everything would turn out in the end." Gendo-chan scolded.  
"You told me off-camera." Fuyutsuki-chan responded.  
  
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YAY! Year 2000! I hereby decree this no longer just Spam, but, as Vegeta would say, "SUUPAA SPAAMUU!" (In plain english, it's Super Spam)  
That's right, faster than some guy with his ass ignited, tougher to understand than the concept of why people would actually STOCK UP on potted meat and refried beans for their Y2K shelters, and able to leap NOTHING AT ALL, it's SUPER SPAM!  
  
C-chan (who was in this from beginning to end)  
????? (who only contributed during the first half)  
TharzZzy (who picked up near the end)  
  
reply to our friend A-kun at akun15@hotmail.com 


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